Masons are mysterious...

I have been fascinated by the Masons for decades.

Does anyone who isn't a Mason really know what a Mason is?

My Grandfather was one, and he was one hell of a faithful Christian, so it's certainly not Satanic, I know that. A fellow Mason was sent to his funeral to take the ring off his finger just before they closed the casket.

Mysterious and steeped in folklore, there are secret handshakes and an internal language. I can't tell you how I heard some of this language and saw a hand shake, because I might disappear. So Masons listen, my lips are sealed. Any secrets I learned are safe with me. I will never reveal what I thought I saw and heard. It's gone. For ever.

Unless you want to reach out to me and offer me a membership trial. I'd really love to have Mason on my resume.

The Masonic temple in my home town held some secrets, oh did it hold some secrets. And was it solid? Best built structure in town, I would bet. And that all seeing eye sculpture under the gable. Freaky, arcane, fascinating.

No one really knows because no Mason has ever done an expose. And probably no Mason ever will.

If they did, I think that Masonic law would rain down with extreme prejudice.

Here are some famous Masons:

George Washington, Thom Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Hancock, John Paul Jones, Paul Revere, Mozart, Henry Ford, Rudyard Kipling, Gerald Ford, Doug MacArthur, Will Rogers.

Mozart. Impressive!

The rest of the Americans don't surprise me much.

However, I am shocked that John Paul Jones was a Mason.

Did the rest of Led Zeppelin know this at the time?

I have always read that Page was a Satanist. Mason and Satanist in the same band, a chronic alcoholic drummer and a Pagan lead singer. How did they make so much great music? I guess opposites not only attract, they do at times write wonderful music together.

TV MILF'S-Healthy models towards mature sexuality

In honour of Mother's Day 2010, a site called "Mother's Day Central" posted a list of the top 31 TV mothers of all time. Don't know what the criteria were; don't think it matters. Other reputable sources like "Access Hollywood" followed suit with their own list.

Well, I thought I would add another TV mother list to the virtual heap of nothingness.

My list has only one criteria for judgement. That is, adolescent male horniness.

A desire for sex, CHECK. The object of that desire, fictional TV mothers, CHECK.

This list exhibits the temporary period where a common hormonal sex phase in males, overlaps with the social and demographic proliferation of television. Most will grow beyond it with age and emotional maturity.

This list in no way suggests nor promotes the desire to fornicate with one's own mother. Need I remind you that these women are paid actors and only play the characters of mothers on Television. The list in no way suggests a true Oedipal urge nor is it meant to encourage any sick preverts with blood Mommy humping fantasies.

If you feel like Norman Bates when you read this list, please, log off immediatley and call 911. Tell the operator that you are an admitted sick prevert who is having a psychological emergency involving your own mother.


TOP 10 TV MILFS of ALL TIME:

Angela Bower (Who's the boss)
Clair Huxtable (The Cosby Show)
Debra Barone (Everybody Like Raymond)
Elyse Keaton (Family Ties)
Jill Taylor (Home Improvement)
Laura Petrie (Dick Van Dyke Show)
Marion Cunningham (Happy Days)
June Cleaver (Leave it to the Beev)
Maggie Malone Seaver (Growing Pains)
Peggy Bundy (Married With Children)

Shark for Arseholes

Last Tuesday night, I was watching a documentary called Sharkwater. It's a visually stunning film about sharks.

I stepped out on the front porch to drop something in the recycling box. A large mid 90's car was parked at the curb in front of my house. A large man sat motionless behind the wheel, but was largely cast in shadow so I couldn't see details. On a family street this large, not a very common sight.

I went inside and watched more sharks.

Before bed, about an hour or so later, I looked out at the street. The man was still sitting in his car. I double checked the locks and flicked on the porch light.

Upstairs, I made sure my oldschool Cop mag light was right beside the bed in case I needed to use it.

The next morning, I found a used tube of Preparation H on the lawn. I picked it up and examined it. It was perfectly flat, like every ml had been squeezed out. I turned the tube and noticed the ingredients listed there. Bio-Dyne 1.0%, Shark Liver Oil 3.0%---

Shark liver oil? WTF? I know a lot about sharks now. But I didn't learn that Prep H is shark.

I went inside to Google and found that people have been putting shark liver oil up their arses for centuries as a folk remedy. Around 1926, a company called American Home Products must have talked to fishermen and discovered what they used to relieve their hemorrhoids.

I have never found Preparation H on my lawn before, or even seen it discarded on the sidewalk. And the shark coincidence is really uncanny. Was I in my house, watching a film about sharks--a warning call really about their potentially fragile future on our planet--while somebody parked just outside was squeezing shark liver oil up their arse?

MacArthur Park is melting in the dark. Why should I be concerned?

May the 6th, U of T Convocation Hall, the yearly Jazz FM 91 presentation of Jazz Lives concert.

My wife's excellent idea now 2 years in a row and my Mother in Law's Mothers Day gift.

We take our seats in the 2nd balcony, L section, row F, I'm seat 8.

I check the program. 5 acts, INTERMISSION, 5 acts. Brandford Marsalis headlines the show, which means act number 10, which really means he ends the show.

In the second set, # 3 up, I see listed Jimmy Webb. What? Can't be that Jimmy Webb, can it? Jazz artists have covered him I know, but he doesn't exactly write jazz songs. Sometimes, very far from it. So it must be another Jimmy Webb I haven't heard of.

During the opening presentation, Ross Porter confirms that it is indeed that Jimmy Webb, to him, "one of the most important songwriters of the last 50 years."

Really? Exciting!

Most of Jimmy's hits were before my time, but I have a giant soft spot for Jimmy Webb in the form of Wichita Lineman. I only became aware of this masterpiece through Gomez, who covered it on a BBC radio show a few years back. I found the Glen Campbell hit, which is good, but a little too fast for me. Gomez got it right. But, Wichita Lineman, written by Webb and interpreted by Gomez is certainly in my top 25 songs of all time.

Jimmy Webb himself is a wonder on stage. He's very funny and incredible on the piano.

He talks and noodles, noodles and talks.

He plays a couple of heartfelt hits, which I don't really know. Very dramatically, I might add.

The, he starts into something musically I recognize bits of. He really makes a dramatic feast of the chords and melody, noodles in and around around keys like Mozart would after hearing his first free jazz album. Then finally, Jimmy begins the vocal:

"MacArthur Park is melting in the dark..."

Oh shit no. Deja Vu. Flashback. I see colours and smell burning toast.

My good friend Ron made me aware of this song a few years back, not because of Jimmy Webb, but because he told me that Richard Harris had made a pop album in 1968. I didn't believe him. I remember at the time, that after Googling the hell out of it, I was blown away that Richard Harris has made a successful pop album. And I do remember grazing over Jimmy Webb's name. But I had never put the man who wrote MacArthur Park together as the same man who wrote Wichita Lineman...until last night.

Jimmy Webb. Extraordinary songwriter. Richard Harris. Extraordinary drunkard and actor.

I have, over time, discovered many other wonderful songs penned by Webb. But, since I first heard MacArthur Park, something has always bothered me about it.

It's not Richard Harris or the arrangement.

Mainly, it's the lyrics:

After an unusually lengthy instrumental opening for a pop song, Sir Richard finally begins:

"MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!"

What? Are you kidding? What drugs were they doing to come up with this...hit?

I feel embarrassed just listening to it.

I personally would rather have access to the shit they were taking back in 67, that helped them write it, than ever hear this song again. Either from the studio album with vocals by Sir Richard himself, or live, by the pop music Bard himself.

I mean, really, what are these ridiculous lyrics about?


"MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!"

This sounds like an LSD trip to me. If something's melting, it's gotta be LSD, the weird imagery (green flowing icing, a yellow dress foaming, old men playing checkers) oh yea, LSD.

Lots of LSD. And maybe a little free love and organic baking thrown into the mix.

Killer Croc loose in Hamilton

I don't want to alarm you. I am not a scientist nor a particularly paranoid person.
The following story has been relegated to the novelty section of several local newspapers and overlooked completely by some of our most important national newspapers. I cannot believe that this situation has been given so little prominence, considering it's dire ramifications.

Believe me people, this is NOT responsible journalism. Have none of you seen "Lake Placid", or "Alligator," both cautionary tales based on real events in which a loose Gator terrorizes a nearby community?

I have read all the articles I can find about this week's shocking development. This account may be paraphrased but I assure you it is has been culled from every publication that covered the frightening event.

It seems that the beast was first discovered by a wildlife photographer who was nearly decapitated in the jaws of a "crocodile type creature" while taking shots in Hamilton's Confederation Park.

The exact location seems to be a pond off of Van Wagners Beach Road, behind the seasonal restaurant Baranga's On The Beach. As the Hamilton Spectator has reported, "The pond leads into the Red Hill Creek, which leads into the Windermere Basin and eventually Lake Ontario."

What, that little terrifying fact was not the story's lead?

The bodies will be stacked high; well, as high as you can stack half digested body parts.

Reptile expert Bry Loyst, who runs a Reptile Zoo near Peterborough, was called in to try and capture the creature. Loyst confirmed the worst of my fears, "The creature is crocodilian, which means it’s one of the world’s 23 species of alligators and crocodiles."

Hell no. Oh Jesus, no. He won't be able to stop it.

Loyst narrowed his eyes and loaded another clip with armour piercing shells. He takes this seriously. And the stump that should be his left arm tells me that. He will do his best, but this is a battle we could lose.

“Obviously, it was someone’s pet. Hundreds and hundreds are brought in every year from the United States to be sold as pets.”
PARDON? TOTAL SHOCK CORRIDOR!

This is a pending disaster. Our bountiful waterways could become killing ponds for rogue American gators. This is NOT front page news? Can't we warn our people?

Loyst regularly catches alligators that are abandoned in lakes and ponds when they grow too big for owners to keep. Some take dozens of shells to finally kill, but others, he has to dynamite. That means, rig rotten chicken carcases with massive amounts of explosive and when the Croc bites, the switch gets flipped. CABOOM! Teeth and Gator skin fill the air. And sometimes, the half digested limbs of some of their human lunch.

You have to destroy the head. Remember that scene in Jaws? Same principle. Kill the head and with it, the instinct to kill.

Imported Crocs from America?
This is a far greater threat than illegal handguns or crystal meth permeating our borders. Dozens, if not thousands of crocodilian creatures could be lurking below the surface of ponds and creeks across Ontario. Growing larger, just waiting to snatch your dog, or your entire family with one flash of its massive, fatal jaws.
So, if the Hamilton Croc gets into Lake Ontario, and I am certain it will, suddenly hundreds of thousands of people are potential prey.

Forget about the canal links between Great lakes. We have to get the warning out to Lake Ontario communities RIGHT NOW.
GRIMSBY, ST. CATHERINES, NIAGARA, ROCHESTER, OSWEGO, GILL HARBOR, PICTON, BRIGHTON, PORT HOPE, TORONTO...

You are all vulnerable to GATOR ATTACK! Be warned, and do not let your kids or pets within 100 feet of the waters of Lake Ontario, or any water that could be connected to it, or traversed by a crocodile.

This lake we live on, this massive and fresh body of water could soon be known as Lake Croc Attack; the northern most Croc infested point in the world.

This week's most popular nude search subjects

Referencing several Internet sources (though not scientifically), I have determined the top five nude people searches for this week; from the top three search engines:

1. Sandra Bullock
2. Scarlett Johansson
3. Amanda Seyfried
4. Jessica Biel
5. Megan Fox


Here is a list of five people who are unlikely to be searched for along with the term "nude" this week.


1. Betty White
2. Kitty Kelly
3. Kate Gosselin
4. Ellen Degeneres
5. Bret Michaels

Creatures. Love them or eat them

I am getting tired of having my home invaded by the lesser creatures of the planet.

First, it was:



Now, we are overwhelmed by:



What horror does the future hold? Locusts? Reptiles? Pubic lice?
Regardless of what I try, I can't seem to stop them, so I am reduced to the following two choices:



And:




Or course number 2:




And



I'm a man dammit, so if I can't drive them from my house, I choose option 2.