Mouse Apocalypse...Please

I tried...I really did. To all the pacifists, the tree huggers, the vegans and the generally humane, I did my very best.

I did meditate for patience. And I prayed for this situation to resolve itself humanely. And, I am not a religious man. Actually, I can't even remember what Deity I was praying to.

But, the vision I had gave me guidance and a clear path by which to proceed.

From the overexposed glow, a deep voice bellowed "Son, walk with me for a spell. When we reach the red rock, please turn it over and read to me what is written there." Well, after walking for a time, I noticed a red rock resting on a natural mound just off our path. I bent towards it, but turned to my companion first. "This red rock", I asked. The voice said "Is it red?" I looked again. "Oh yes, it is...um...my..."
"Deity is fine, boy."
"Yes, my...Deity, it is quite red."
Said the Deity; "Please then, turn the rock and read to me what is written there."
I reached for the rock, pulled it from the earth and turned it slowly in my hand. BUT before I could read anything...

WHOOSH CAHSLOOM!

A torrent of mouse shit rose forth from the impression of the stone, blasting me like hail and causing me to cower upon the ground. Terrified, I screamed for guidance from the Deity, but my vision was ruined by a blizzard of tiny pellets. Eventually, over the fury mounding all around me, I heard Deity's deep voice say, "This is a most unnatural infestation. The laws of nature no longer abide here. We shall take our retreat!"

What? Deity? What? Why do you retreat of me?

As I tried to claw my way out, the turds kept flying like volcano ash. I lunged for air, but was soon overwhelmed, immobilized and buried by tens of millions of tiny turds. The last thing I remember is trying to block my nostrils, but eventually giving in, for a time even, respiring the tiny pellets, then suffocating fully awake as the mass filled my lungs.

Since that night, the rodent vandals have been dancing in my walls. In my living room, while trying to relax by HD, I hear a scratching in the wall behind me, a displacement of plaster, falling at intervals eerily like Morse code. The message, "You have so much. We are so small. We can live together in beautiful symbiosis."

I have a basement office and they run the voids between joists like phantoms, trying to drive me mad. It makes me feel a Gothic dread, a gripping Poe madness. I have considered taking a hammer to the ceiling and revealing the culprits clear.

I decided finally that the rodents have tormented me long enough. Rodents shall not rule the house, Man shall rule the house, and the rodent must bow down and suffer.

I won't tell you how it's going to happen, but I will say that all other avenues have failed. So now, the brutal must prevail.

As much as I regret the circumstances deteriorating to this stage of dispatch, I cannot be ruled by mice. Even as I write this, they scratch and scurry on the ceiling above my desk.

Wait. What is this? I hear something strange from the pantry.


I have one. Trapped and staring up at me with those beady, side headed eyes.

I will do now what I think is merciful. I get a nail and my small hammer, and go towards the pantry, hoping to drive the tiny metal point through it's beating heart.

I try to steak it, but the rodent squirms and turns and won't be sacrificed. I try to place the spike again and again, until at last, the mouse somehow stretches up the nail and bites my finger.

I fall back in terror. Jesus Christ, the rodent just bit me. Do you know what that means, to be bitten by a mouse? My absolute worst terror is realized. I have been bitten, and now, my life will be forever changed.

I ran upstairs to apply an entire bottle of Purell to the wound. But, I am bitten. I know it's not enough to stop what is already happening inside my veins. I will slowly devolve into the tiny creature I despise.

To my wife and son, my parents and family, and to my good friends. Please, remember me as I was, not by what I will become.