Food Conspiracy

I used to hold Swiss Chalet in high regard. As a kid, a visit to the "Swiss" was my introduction to fine dining, a hemisphere above the mass franchised outlets that littered the main drag of Peterborough. These joints bribed us with toxic toys and hired what we thought were pubescent high school students to handle my pre-ordered and compressed beef product with a respect equivalent to that which they would handle cat litter.

I remember equating the grease on my cheeseburger bun with the pimpled, oily skin of my misshapen, teen aged server. I also remember having daydreams at the time--or was I really--that these people must be bred by the Mother Corporation, engineered Mc-mutants, and made ugly and awkward to avoid any chance of human interaction with customers and also, to stand out as extreme contrasts to the food, which would taste much better compared to the ugliness you just witnessed. But these "employees" didn't last long, which is why they changed so frequently. And, when the quality control agents from the Mother Corp felt they were spent, these servers would be recycled back into the beef supply, ground together and squeezed back into the pipeline of ground beef that runs up from Mexico.

You know, the beef pipeline doesn't get a lot of press, but I do find it amazing, that a cow ground in Mexico can end up in your local fast food outlet directly via the pipeline. Energy companies have a lot to learn from fast food franchises, and how they pump ground beef under and across the North American continent.

But now, let's all have a shower--and maybe a self induced purge--and move on to the chicken. At the Swiss, you were always encouraged to eat your meal at your families own pace, rather than inhale, swarf or choke it down like the pipeline corporations.
Switzerland, a non-violent world model of neutrality, social equality and clearly, the most secure and desired banking system in the world. They gave us Swiss clocks, Swiss knives, Swiss bank accounts and Chalet style rotisserie chicken. And knowing the Swiss, so meek and so progressive, I would not be surprised if they mildly sedated the chickens before they drop the axe. I for one have never tasted the fear of death in their 1/4 chicken white meat dinner.

Swiss Chalet was so unlike the other famous chicken chain--run by that skinny, Southern Cracker who had KKK Grand Wizard written all over him--and who fried their birds beyond recognition. Is that skinny old albino still alive?

Chicken, the great two legged equalizer against the cows and the pigs. High protein, low cardiac risk. And I always imagined that Chalet sauce had Swiss anti-oxidant ingredients and cell cleansing properties. Excellent fries, yet offered in healthy proportion because the golden roasted chicken and white bun used 2 thirds of the plate.

But now, The Swiss is offering "All you can eat fries." I was shocked and physically sick when I saw the commercial. Since when has the Swiss overindulged in anything. No movie tie ins, no ridiculous mascots and no meat pipelines extending from the Mexican border northward. You have never felt the need to Supersize. Never before have you. EVER! Now, you are offering ALL YOU CAN EAT fries! What?

Wait. Someone is ringing the doorbell upstairs. Call me paranoid, but can a big company have the ability to read my post before I even publish it? Now I am scared. The doorbell is ringing again and again. And I have ignored it. It's stopped now. But shit, a shape just passed by the window. Can they know what I wrote about them that fast? And would such a company really kill me for my mere opinion? I told you, I am paranoid. This seems silly. It's probably the Boy Scouts again. Or the Green people. But it's 2am. That won't be the religious callers at this hour. And you know, I really didn't say anything that would...

Wait, I hear footsteps in the kitchen upstairs, and I'm the only one at home. How can there be footsteps in my house? Maybe I will go up stairs and investigate. Or maybe not. Shit, there is someone coming down the basement stairs now, I can hear them. I have no escape route either. Shit. Is this a fast food assassin? I can hear them breathing now...Damn me, I should never have expressed my opinions. Is it the Mother Corp? Wait, I see a shadow now. And, my God, a hand. An old hand. Oh my God...Oh...Oh my God....it's the Colonel.

Wait.....

Please...

Don't hurt me..............................................

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